Worst dressed ever

Eh, any similiarities are purely coincidental, and below scenario is just a figment of the author's imagination.

***************************************

It couldn't have been a more ordinary day at the newsroom. Everyone had left, it was late. Well, almost everyone.

Wee Tuck was walking along his colleagues desks, interestingly lined with colourful posters of the various celebrities they like and the more expensive of the junk given out during press conferences.

He was slobbering over a doughnut bought from the level 5 food court, slightly aware of the calories adding to his increasingly pudgy body, but what the fuck, not like anyone thinks of him as an sex object or something.

He snorted into the doughnut at that thought. Yeoh Wee Tuck the sex god! Ha!

What's that sound?!

He heard a slight buzz from Jeanmaria Tan's (or Jaria as they called her for short... what's with the two first names anyway?!) desk and looked into her cubicle.

Something looks suspicious. Jaria was focusing intently on her computer screen, which had a picture of a man.

Her hands were not on the mouse nor keyboard, but tucked under the messy desk.

"JARIA!" Wee tuck shouted. "Watcha doing?!"

The ugly woman screamed "FUCK!" and something clanked to the floor. Something bulky and silver and black and... vibrating?

It was an iPamper.

The iPamper, oblivious to the questioning stare of Wee Tuck, continued to buzz happily on the carpet, turning itself a full circle before Wee Tuck looked up incredulously at Jaria.

Ew.

Ew, ew, ew.

Comprehension dawned on his face, and the woman looked suitably embarrassed, all while mumbling something about it being late and she thought nobody was around...

He suddenly remembered himself having a backache after a football report last Monday, and he had rubbed his back all over with that borrowed iPamper and EWWWWWWWWW... FUCK! He retched into the bin, his wet doughnut bits soaking up the waste papers.

To Wee Tuck's horror, while he was trying to get the bile spit out, Jaria started wailing like she just got widowed.

"JUDGE ME WILL YOU?" She screamed. "I am LONELY, OK? My husband only... wait, you gay right Wee Tuck?"

Wee Tuck frowned. What has that got to do with anything?? "Yes, so what?" he asked tensely, adding "you stupid fuck" in his head.

"Gay people can't keep secrets, they are always gossiping," declared Jaria.

"I can keep a secret," whispered Wee Tuck in what he hoped was a sympathetic voice. He really couldn't care less about Jaria's sordid affairs but a secret's always welcome.

"Well my husband... He only wants to have sex like once every 2 months or something! And when he does, he screws me sideways in the dark - 3 mins, max - and leaves the wet patch on my side of the bed! MY SIDE! The fucking bastard!" Jaria was lolling in terror at the memory.

Wee tuck look at Jaria and thought, Well, who could blame him? and formed various vicious standpoints in his mind about how women should always keep up with good physique like gay boys always do.

Instead he said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I guess that would explain the iPamper... I won't tell anyone." He already decided he would warn people not to touch the cursed device. Ew ew ew.

"Was on discount," Jaria whimpered.

There was an awkward silence and Wee Tuck leaned forward towards the computer screen (thank god girls don't leave residue) to check out Jaria's arousal object.

She realised what he was doing, and hastily turned off the power, but alas! a gasp of recognition was already issued from Wee Tuck's mouth.

Jaria groaned. Today was seriously not her day.

"YOU KIDDING ME. Xiaxue's boyfriend??! Hahahaha! Didn't know you liked angmohs!"

Jaria explained incoherently about how she just happened to surf by and attempted to change the topic by asking what Wee Tuck wrote about today. She also turned off the iPamper, which was proving to be an annoyance buzzing endlessly when not applied on one's genitals.

"Best dressed celebrities of 2006," Wee Tuck lamented in a drone.

The gay stylish instints inside him radiated with anger thinking about Singapore's celebrities and their boring dress sense. UNFORGIVEABLE! They are sooo boring! Look at the hollywood stars! He rolls his eyes.

"OH?" said Jaria, her eyes shining with maliciousness. Man, Wee Tuck thought. This woman is really, really frustrated and angry.

"Think you could include a worst dressed category?" she inquired.

Wee Tuck squirmed, thinking he already knows what the bitch was up to. "Erm, I already wrote the article."

"I'll add it in for you! Page long?" she quipped.

"Ya... So you wanna put Xiaxue into worst dressed?" Let it go, woman, why hold a grudge for so long?? Wee Tuck couldn't understand.

"Naturally, duh! Hate her! Let me see, gotta go get her stock photos and choose a picture." Jaria never stopped smiling rather crazily while talking, and actually rubbed her hands in glee.

"But she is not generally badly-dressed... Not like she goes to star awards or something... She's mostly just in tank tops yeah?"

"AHA! How about this one?" Jaria found a photo in their database.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Wee Tuck stared at her.

"What do you think?" she asked in a crazed whisper. The glint in her beady eyes was freaky.

Wee Tuck stuttered a little.

"Well, firstly, it won't qualify Xiaxue as a 2006 worst dresser because that photo was taken almost half a year before 2006 even started... And secondly, what you gonna say about her attire?"

Jaria shrugged and said, "Eh... It's fucking skanky."

Wee Tuck frowned. 2005 was the year of the bohemian, and everyone wore stuff like that. Bailing is shanky. A midriff top and a long skirt? Nay. A tad fat maybe, but not shanky.

Besides, if he didn't remember wrongly, it was their paper who ask XX in for an interview, and told her to dress as sexily as possible. Seems a tad unreasonable to attack her for what they told her to wear...

"So? Use this?" Jaria stared at him rather fiercely.

"Can't you try to find something else?" Wee Tuck sighed. "Something that is more reasonable to attack her with?"

Jaria picked up the iPamper and smacked Wee Tuck on the head with it. Ew!

"I DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE, OK? I AM A FUCKING JOURNALIST AND I WRITE ANYTHING I WANT!!!"

"Fine, ok ok, I'd put Fiona next to her or something, just promise NOT to touch me with that thing again!"

Jaria smiled her ugly smile.

*************************

In Teban Gardens, someone was smiling too. She decided that she would dress a thousand times more skankily just so she can get the award again next year too!

They can say all they want!

The internet was fully functional (and way more flexible) for her retorts, and most importantly, unlike all celebrities, reporters had absolutely nothing to gain from the extra fame.

*************************

Woah, article of me today!

This has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO with what I wrote above. That's a totally fictional story, of course. :)

Xmas eve sucks!!!!

Xmas eve sucks!!!!!

I don't really know anyone who sincerely enjoys it (maybe bangalas, but of course, I don't "know" them), because it is so bloody festive that you are EXPECTED to have fun, EXPECTED to not be lonely.

Everyone else is also busy pretending to have fun, so if you don't, you seem like a bloody loser.

And what happens when you have expectations and do not meet them? Disappointment and frustration.

Organising stuff to do on Xmas eve is always a bloody pain in the ass. You can go to organised events (ie parties on bloody orchard road - I hope you guys have the sense not to go, unless of course you are a bangala, then you can meet a lot of people from your country have foam the girls), but organised events are always sooooo crowded.

Before you can start to enjoy yourself, you have to defend yourself against the crowds. Theft, molest, people stepping on your toes, etc. How fun!

OR

You can organise "fun" stuff yourself.

But firstly, WHAT fun stuff? And secondly, organising is a pain, and besides, everything is so expensive.

And the most troubling of all - who should you go out with?

I wonder if in real life people have friends like in Friends (I'm talking about Monica Ross Phoebe Friends), a stable group of people you can hang out with every year on lonesome holidays (I can act emo by saying "the more crowded it is the more alone I feel" but lucky for you I am not that sort of disgusting blogger) and be sure not to go into a frenzy trying to get something to do.

But IMHO, it is near impossible to have a stable group of friends, because realistically speaking Monica-and-Chandler rarely happens, and people in the group (especially the girls) will tend to have their other halves to spend Xmas with, and will abandon their group.

Or be spending Xmas overseas, also effectively abandoning the group...

Group of four dwindles to two, then do you still meet the "group", or seek other plans?

Maybe meet another group that you are not so familiar with? But you don't wanna spend Xmas with people you don't really know leh...

People say you can always fall back on family, but Momo is out partying with her boyfriend and his friends (what did I say about girls?), Clinton is staying at his friend's place, and I am alone at home!

Well with stupid Cloudy who shitted in the hallway yesterday. GAH!

Anyway this year I've got Kelvin, who is the sort of person who will BRING the girlfriend into the group (because he is key person of the group and if he is missing likely everyone won't meet at all; and also, said girlfriend will be abandon HER group, thus making HER group not be able to meet up), so I am invited to the party at his house with the rest of the gang lar.

In that sense I feel that male friends seem to be more reliable.

Obviously there are also the sort of guy who will go missing when their girlfriend is around, but my guy friends are constantly bringing different girls into the group, making me feel...

That girls are somehow just... part of their men.

I don't know why I had this startling feeling that day, but I was out with some of my girlfriends, and all of them were attached.

We talked about our boyfriends, and it suddenly hit me that we are not WHOLE, we are merely the other half of our men. A sidekick if you must.

I realised that one fine day, all of us will get married, have a family, and that family will consume all that is important to us. Friends will rank way below husband and kids.

I'm not really explaining this feeling I have very well, but it felt a bit like the boyfriends LET their girlfriends out for a gathering among ourselves, and there we are, chattering, insignificant, unwhole.

I think I might be going crazy.

It was just a very fleeting feeling, and I told Shuyin about what I felt, and she just frowned and said she disagreed with me and never felt that way.

But you know what I mean right? I am not talking about my particular girlfriends in this scenario coz they are not like that, but surely you girls know what I am talking about.

Like, everyone has this female friend who has always been attached, and seems that her whole life will topple if she didn't have someone to lean on even for a bit. She can't survive as a lead character on her own.

I suppose there are guys like that too, but it is quite a bit more uncommon than females.

Anyway, went off on a tangent. As I was saying, the last reliable alternative is going to church. But going to church just for xmas seems really stupid (and not to mention blasphemous)!

In conclusion, Xmas sucks. So does New Year, V-day, etc.

Mindless clubbing pictures:

Nose's all blurred out coz you guys are supposed to get the first glimpse of it on the last episode of Girls Out Loud!




Before meeting Junne and the boys...

Can see the bridge and my lovely implant.
*implant blushes in pleasure*

Went to MoS!






New club "The Clinic".

It's really cool, go check it now! Now complimentary entry via MoS I think.

We go into Smoove's members' area, which is designed to look like a basketball court:



Basketball chairs!








Martin


Martin moments later! Ha!


Hehe inner gayness shows in Kelvin

Tim's turn

Tim also wants a piece of the action!


Ann looks at Vyasa in a new light.
My implant stares.


Vyasa looked wonky-eyed in this, so I added some photoshop sunglasses for him.
But look at Tim! Look so funny can.


Kel + me + new implant + new tattoo (photoshopped)!


A juicy bracelet I bought from the states... :D




Kel again

p/s: Vyasa just called to say the boys are gonna play dota for a bit. Did I just say they are reliable???!

Me, "You guys are not going to do the countdown thing in the lan shop right?"

Vyasa, "Ha! We are not going to do the countdown thing at all!"

Well, Merry fucking Xmas to you! Hate it. So commercialised. (WOoo I just realised I typed "Merry Xmas" at the exact stroke of midnight!!)

Want my baby here but he is sooooooooooo far away.

I know, Girls Out Loud rules!!

Thanks for the good feedback for the 3rd episode!! Haha...

Many people were like asking me if I was really pissed at Mia, or just faking it for the camera.

I wish I were faking it ah! Means I am a wonderful actress. But unfortunately I don't think I am up to that level yet.

But you tell me lar, if some ugly "model" keep preaching to you how to live your life and write your blog, you not sian meh? Obviously pissed right? You guy can't see, but I was actually trembling in anger (and also a bit scared and awkward - it's a horrifying mix of feelings).

Mia actually said more ridiculous things, like how for example, her love for bangalas stemmed from the fact that once upon a time... She was in Little India MRT, and an old man fell down and got trapped by the closing train door or something...

And according to her, "a dozen black hands" stuck out and helped the old man.

*cue heroic music*

She therefore thinks that all bangalas are very kindly, sweet creatures.

And also, as a "pageant winner", the grand responsibility of defending bangalas lies on her, because - obviously, don't you see? - people who help an old man get untrapped can never be lecherous lawless molesters.

*looks very confused, implant shakes in disbelief* (I'm gonna blog from now on about how my implant reacts to situations. It is as if it has a life of it's own!!! Help me think of a name for it muahahaha.)

Dunno lar! It was really super awkward, Gillian had us doing the staring scene AGAIN and AGAIN, and can you imagine I have to keep looking into Mia's eyes for like 20 times till G is happy!!!!!!!!!

GILLIAN HATES ME!!! She thinks that making me face people I don't like makes good tv!!! (Mia, Steven Lim, Izzy - they all make my implant shrivel)

Next season maybe we will have Jean Marie Tan and the blogtv old chick. The people who dislike me and vice versa are aplenty! Rozz says she has none. -_- Where got people get along with everybody one??!

You can watch episode 3 of GoL on youtube...

Been thinking of getting a tattoo for a long time now...

Wanna get the bottom pink ribbon on my left arm, but I spoke to Momo about it today, and she said she will chase me out of the house if I ink myself.

Damn drama ok.

I'm getting it anyhow, it's just a matter of time.

I don't care if you guys don't like my pink ribbon! It symbolises that from this moment on in life, I am clear what I want to do - I want to be FRIVOLOUS.

For the past 22 years, I've always been torn between two things - vanity and intellect.

I could focus on the fun part of life - being pretty, being vapid; or I could be dull but, well, smarter.

It seems at first thought that the two need not be exclusive, but they ARE. Well, at least to me they are.

I don't really know how to explain this (possibly coz vanity won the battle since years ago and rotted my brains)...

I was telling Wong the other day when we were driving back from supper.

Supposing this life, I am still me inside, but my physical appearance is so far from below average that I could do nothing to salvage it.

My only other source of enjoyment will be to focus on my studying (so ugly, might as well study hard, earn money), which, at the younger part of my life, I excelled in, and brought me attention and distinction from other people.

I am that sort of person who lives for attention. Nothing makes me more happy than people paying attention to me, and praising me for the good jobs I do.

If being 1st in class brought me admiring glances, then study I will.

But unfortunately for me, nothing brings more instant gratification than looking good.

If I didn't care that much about my looks and the other superficial stuff in life, or rather, chose not to care, I'm sure I could have spend a lot more of my time on reading, maybe writing a novel, or I dunno what else I would have done. Trying to earn a lot of money maybe?

When I started this blog it was just light-hearted writing, but people started saying how they think I am stupid.

Up till today, I am the pioneer of full-time blogging in Singapore, yet people are still saying that! Let's see them try to earn a living doing this. =D

I got very uncomfortable being labelled STUPID, and felt I had to prove them all wrong by raking out PSLE or O Level results, and the ultimate is of course to attempt to join Mensa.

So now Mensa tells me my IQ is 148 and above, higher than 98% of you reading this, but SO WHAT?

There will always be an endless flow of people saying I am stupid, just because of my appearance.

Yes, people in that 98%, calling me dumb. It used to infuriate me so bad.

I love blonde hair, love fake eyelashes, and I love my big curls. I love writing in Singlish, love scolding vulgarites, and I love making bimbo jokes... and if all these things I love are mutually exclusive with how an intelligent person is perceived to be, then SO BE IT.

But now, especially with the show stamping a new benchmark in my life, I DECIDED AM DONE WITH PROVING MYSELF TO THE PUBLIC.

If people are gonna say I am a bimbo, I will just smile, knowing that it is them who are too simple-minded to see through a PERSONA.

Yes, that's what it is, a persona.

You think Ali G is real? Or Borat? Is Oprah really concerned? Howard Stern really so straightforward? Or is Paris Hilton really so stupid? The fact is you will never know, so don't judge.

Just because some people have different priorities in life, it doesn't mean that if the situation arises they cannot solve a logarithm equation.

I decided on my priorities (ie focusing on superficiality) when I decided to go into Polytechnic, so from today onwards I will not waver anymore and just appear to be as air-headed as everyone chooses to perceive me to be.

=)

Definition
intelligence (ABILITY)
noun [U]
the ability to learn, understand and make judgments or have opinions that are based on reason



...
Doesn't say anything about having a degree or not having heavy make up on.

Two super long blog entries in a row! I'm getting my blogging bug back.